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Is 2014 the year of Mark Wahlberg? The short answer is: Yes. The long answer is: Yes, definitely. Wahlberg has a ridiculous SEVEN movies coming out this year, starting with Transformers: Age of Extinction, in which talking robot trucks are the second least believable things behind his playing an inventor. These seven films showcase his incredible range, from a tough-as-nails everyman to a down-on-his-luck average Joe. The Year of the Wahlberg is here, and it's going to be freakin' ridiculous.
Nike Air Presto Leopard Green Monday US, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes , July 11th
APE SOLDIER 1: We found him in the forest.
Nike Air Presto Leopard Green Monday US APE SOLDIER 2: He said he was looking for supplies.
CAESAR: Go. Leave him with me.
WAHLBERG: You freakin' serious here with this? Monkeys talkin' English?
CAESAR: Who sent you?
Nike Air Presto Leopard Green Monday US WAHLBERG: You're killin' me with this circus shit. You gonna ride around on a trike next? Jesus.
Stoner Dad , August 1st
SETH ROGEN: Just take a hit. What's the worst that could happen?
Nike Air Presto Leopard Green Monday US WAHLBERG: Listen, guys, I'm a father, first and foremost. I ain't smokin' that shit.
JONAH HILL: Just do it, pussy.
WAHLBERG: This is freakin' ridiculous. I mean, I-I-I-I just, what about Kendra? She's gonna wake up from her nice lil nap, see her Daddy goin' apeshit on pot? Not happenin'. Sorry, guys.
MARTIN STARR: [deadpan] Well, this is a drag.
Finding Nemo 2: Return to Finding Nemo , August 8th
DORY: We have to find NemoˇKagain.
WAHLBERG: Y'know, if I was there, would Nemo have gone missin' in the first place? No freakin' way. I woulda been all [VARIOUS MARTIAL ARTS NOISES]. Shown 'em who's the freakin' boss.
HIGH TURTLE: Righteous, dude.
Nicholas Sparks' The Sad Relationship , September 12th
BLAKE LIVELY: This relationship we haveˇKit's a sad one.
WAHLBERG: You gotta be fuckin' with me here. Sad? This relationship? Freakin' unbelievable, the shit I have to put up with.
LIVELY: We can get through this together.
WAHLBERG: I gotta go fight in the freakin' Vietnam War now or some shit, and you throw this on my plate. Christ.
The Coen Bros. Present: The Bris , October 3rd
WAHLBERG: I gotta cut off his freakin' dick? You kiddin' me with this shit?
JOHN TURTURRO: Rabbi, surely you've performed a circumcision before?
WAHLBERG: [eyes widen incredulously, he gives a tight-lipped smile] I ain't doin' it. I ain't touchin' a babyˇ¦s dick.
Witness Protection Santa , December 5th
SANTA: Is there a reason you've stopped working, little elf?
WAHLBERG: Yeah, this shit is freakin' stupid. You think I give a flyin' fuck about makin' toys? They put me in the witness protection program and send me up to this cold shithole? I shoulda stayed in Boston. I'd rather deal with the mob than this gahbage.
SANTA: Sounds like somebody might find his name on the naughty list.
WAHLBERG: Go fuck yahself.
Nike Sandals, Stefan J. is a writer living in Vancouver. You can read his personal blog here and follow him on Twitter here .